


Couldn't Put Me Together Again ('Cause All of My Enemies Started Out Friends)

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22310773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Contains spoilers for “Spyfall Pt. 2”She only breaks when no one can see her. Stolen moment where the Doctor allows herself to grieve her planet, and the betrayal of the Master.
Relationships: The Doctor & The Master (Doctor Who)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Couldn't Put Me Together Again ('Cause All of My Enemies Started Out Friends)

It wasn't common for the Doctor to let her cracks show with this incarnation: she'd spent most of her lives known throughout the universe as the oncoming storm, the bringer of darkness. Her name was synonymous with death, chaos, destruction — the very things she swore to be opposed to. 

This lifetime she wanted to be known for something  _ different.  _ Her past two lives had been filled with hurt, and she'd seen the way that her companions began to see her. They stopped seeing the madman with a box, and the ancient dark soul underneath — and her anger, her righteousness, everything had led to them being harmed in some way or another. 

This new incarnation felt like a chance to do  _ better.  _ To protect her new companions from the oncoming storm, the woman who considered destroying her own homeworld. That Doctor, that ancient creature, felt like the most dangerous thing in the universe when she came out of the post regeneration haze. It cost Bill and Clara their lives, after all. 

So she carried that storm in her heart. Kept it locked up tight, always smiling and never unleashing the torrential fury she always felt toward the universe. To protect the fam. She was still protecting them now, but she was struggling. The cracks were beginning to show.

_ I kept everything from them, _ the Doctor mused. The TARDIS was lit with a solemn blue glow, and was void of any humans. These moments were the ones when she allowed herself to break, when the fam wasn't looking. Their trust in her was beginning to break, her smiles were wearing thin.

Gallifrey was gone.  _ Again _ . This time, her best friend had destroyed it.

The Doctor yelled in frustration and kicked the counsel. The TARDIS lights flashed red around her as she sank down to the floor. They spent a  _ century  _ together, working towards - towards —

She allowed herself to hope that Missy could do better, that she could change and become good again. That they could repair their friendship and travel the universe again, and then Missy abandoned her. Left her for dead. And, apparently, went off and destroyed their home.

The Doctor inhaled shakily as she tore off the pair of goggles she had off her head. Her face was reflected in the lenses: drawn, tired, and angry. “I think it hurt less when I was responsible for it,” she whispered to the TARDIS. “Because at the end of the day, I can hate myself, but I can't — I couldn't ever hate him. Disappointed, yes, but I thought they could do  _ better _ —” 

She cut herself off and threw the goggles across the room. The pain was unbearable most days, but right now it felt as though she was seeing the devastation again for the first time. 

That was the cruelest thing about hope: it was hard to resist, and even harder to let go of. 

**Author's Note:**

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